Some Questions and Answers Concerning Step-Families

1) Even though you may not be able to be fully available to your children,
as a couple, you should establish regular private time together away from
the children.

This is TRUE because the surest way to make your stepfamily strong is to make your
relationship strong. You need to nurture your relationship so it can weather the storms of
stepfamily life.

2) It is advisable not to talk too much with children about the pre-divorce
family since this arouses sad feelings.

This is FALSE because kids need to be allowed to grieve for the biological family. Grieving entails feelings of both sadness and anger. The more kids are encouraged to feel these feelings, the sooner they will move past grief and open to accepting the new family.

3) It is advisable for stepparents, right from the start, to begin to participate
in the discipline of their stepchildren.

This is FALSE except where very young children are involved. A child is more likely to accept a stepparent if he or she starts out acting like a kindly aunt or uncle- supportive and helpful.

4) Children often misbehave when they return from being with their other biological parent and this is normal.

This is all too TRUE. Allowing the kids “space” to adjust to the changes works best.

5) It is important for family members to do most things together so as to
develop a strong family bond.

This is FALSE. While it is good to do some things together, strong stepfamily bonds are forged when stepparents and stepchildren spend alone time together and the couple enjoys alone time, too.

6) It is difficult for a stepchild to bond with a stepparent if their biological parent disapproves.

This is unfortunately TRUE. Children are most concerned that they don't lose the love of a biological parent.

7) After an initial adjustment period, family members will begin to love one another.

This is FALSE because family members may or may not eventually love each other.
Love sometimes comes at the beginning but it just as likely may take a long time, if at all.

8) The average time it takes for a blended family to develop a sense of family is about one year.

This is FALSE because the average time it takes runs anywhere from 3 to 7 years.

9) A good rule of thumb is to keep standards for behavior high but expectations, low.

This is TRUE. Keeping standards for behavior high means that you let the kids know that while you can't force them to love the stepfamily members, you can insist that they treat them with respect. Expectations refers to expecting the kids to open their hearts.

10) If you have different house rules from your ex, this will hurt the children.

This is FALSE because the children need good solid discipline. If they aren't receiving it at the other parent's house, at least they can receive it at yours.